Living As Me
Introduction A journey of where I came from, where I am, and where I want to go from here.
I do apologize if a chapter seems to go off topic or if I seem to have a lot of run on sentences. When I write here, I write what I think, and that's a lot of run on sentences. This isn't so much a story as it is true to life stories and feelings from myself. I know it can probably be hard to read grammatically sometimes so I do apologize.
Chapter 1 - I Must Look Crazy
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I must look crazy the way I tap my fingers counting off syllables to what I am saying or rather what I am praying in my mind. Its always the same prayer. I must say it a hundred times a day or more. I want them to be safe, my family and friends that is. I love them so much and would so much rather something happen to me than to them. I pray, all the time, the same prayer for their protection and safety.
I feel like I barely function, stopping every few minutes to repeat the same thing I always say. It takes me twice as long as you to watch a movie or read a book, because I have to stop and say this prayer. Because if I don't, I feel like something is wrong. Sometimes I can't even just say it once. I have to say it over and over until it feels right.
The only escape is sleep. Its the only time my mind is fully at peace with no interruptions of thoughts or repetitive prayers.
I love the Lord, I do. But the excessive praying gets on my nerves. I sound horrible saying that don't I?
I guess its not even the praying itself. Its just the fact that its the same over and over with what seems like no end.
I've never told anyone but my mom. I've wanted to tell other people that are close to me. Wanted to tell them so bad that I have thoughts out of fear that something will happen and then I feel bad and pray until it momentarily feels better.
But how crazy does that sound?
They'll think I'm totally bat shit crazy, right? If you're reading this you probably think the same thing.
The thing is though, I'm not crazy. I have a mental illness but I am not crazy. And I refuse to let this defeat me. I will fight it with everything I have. I will pray about it (not the repetitive one haha).
It is so hard to fight it, but I have to. I can't and won't give up.
I don't give up on my battle with depression.
I don't give up on my battle with anxiety.
I refuse to let my "disorders" define me. I refuse to let them change me.
I just needed to say this somewhere.
Even if it is a place where no one knows who I am.
I just needed to explain, or at least try to explain what goes on in my brain.
Even if it didn't make sense or sounded totally nuts. I just needed to say it and put it out there.
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