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vanna321

September 4, 2009 at 9:30pm
Mood: sleepy
Music: One- U2
Subject: Absolutely confused.

Wiiliam's always there, making me change my mind about our "just friends" situation. I've loved him for about 3 years and since we decided to break it off it's been hell for me. Liking him, hating him, loving him with every ounce of my being... Wishing that he would leave me alone so I could move on with my life. Does he still love me? Hell if I know. Sometimes we don't talk for weeks at a time. But when we finally converse again,it's like there's this switch inside me that just keeps all those feelings held back come rushing back, flooding every fiber of my being. He's hanging out with new girl though. I am usually not the jealous type, but she just knows what buttons to push. Most of the time she has a stick up her ass, I think. Marie keeps saying he doesn't like her, he told her that he doesn't. But I told her I really don't care; I mean, it's his life right? He can do whatver he wants... Hang out with whomever... Break whomever's heart he wants to next. Did I mention that my friends Alexandra and Elizabeth have loved him since they were kindergartners? And Kelly blushed the other day when Coach asked if he was her boyfriend. Little witch. Grace says I should stop, he's been playing me for a long time. And apparently he's been stringing Renee along, too. Why the hell is this so complicated? And then I saw him step off the field on Friday and smile in my direction... I'm surprised I didn't melt. Bloody hell, it's not fair! He knows what he does to me!

And then there's Thomas. Oh, dear, sweet, Thomas. He's a new interest... Top runner in XC, one of the nicest guys I've come to know. Pretty cute, too. :) He's so down to earth, and isn't so confusing about his feelings. I want to explore this interest more, but I'm scared that my feelings for William will destroy whatever potential this relationship may have. Plus, the truth is, I don't think he views me as dating material. More of friends, I bet. I smile just thinking about him,... But the same goes for William. Catherine told me that I need another guy to help me get over him, because that's what she did, and now she's happily in love with her boyfriend.
Maybe Thomas could be the guy? Or will I always be stuck in the inbetweens, clawing for the surface, the answer, to the unanswerable question that I have to figure out myself?

5 comments | Post a Comment

jessa

October 14, 2008 at 10:43pm
Subject: Menamena?

Who is that?

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jessa

October 13, 2008 at 10:05pm
Subject: Welp...

I do work here nowadays so I suppose I should use this guy.

What should I say?

Jessa's About Me
I live in: Chicago.
I go to school at: Columbia College.
I study: Fiction Writing and Gender & Women's Studies.
I believe that: our duty as humans is to be, as Vonnegut says "to be the eyes and ears and conscience of the Creator of the Universe."
My favorite movie is: Eternal Sunshine of The Spotless Mind.
My favorite band is: Rilo Kiley.
My favorite song is: Solsbury Hill.
The most important person to me is: Clementine.
My BFF is: Andrew Gunneson, Mr. Bzoink himself.
I am dating: a goofy boy name Liam.
My bad habit is: being close-minded and lazy.
My favorite thing about me is: my hope and how much love I have deep in my guts.
In my spare time I: read, but I'm trying to be more social these days.
In the future, you will hear about my: books.
The one piece of advice I'd give you is: Scrape. Feel. Dig. Believe. Ask. Ask whatever challenges dead and thoughtless beliefs.
Fill out this survey yourself
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That is a start, I guess. I should mention that "my advice" is a quote from Girlfriend in a Coma, a novel by my favorite author, Douglas Coupland.